Hi-o Dear Fans O' Mine!

Comin' atcha with another newsletter, this is Phineas, THE DOG (as opposed to Julia Roberts' kid).  Sheesh!  At first I was kinda miffed that she named her little chalupa after me, but then, I realized, "hey, a total hottie, uber-famous actress named HER kid after ME!"  In this day and age of the "Celebrity-Is-God" mentality , I figure I should be feeling HONORED, not UPSET!

So with that, I say, "You go, Mrs. Moder!"  (And try not make that kid into another spoiled Hollywood brat, eh?)

On another note, I just got back from -- what?  What's that you're mumbling under your breath?  Oh, really???  You think I'M the one that's spoiled??!!?  Oh, REALLY.  I guess you must just be mixed-up, confusing being spoiled for being well-loved.  Pity, pity.  It amazes me how confused humans can get over seemingly simple concepts.  Like when it was my MommaBomma's birthday a couple months ago.  She said to my Unkel, "Poor Phineas, he thinks it's HIS birthday."  To which my poor, confused Unkel responded, "Phineas, it's your birthday EVERY day, buddy."  Uh, okay.  WHATEVAH, Unk.  Sorry I hafta lump you in with all the other poop-heads who confuse being spoiled with being well-loved, but until you demonstrate you fully comprehend the difference between the two, lumped in you are.  (Heavy sigh.)

Well, I'm stressed.  I still need to get MommaBomma and Unkel Wessie something for Christmas.  (Hey, what can I say -- neither stores nor the internet are all-too dog-friendly.)  So I'm gonna hafta keep this brief.  I'll leave you with my list of holiday guidelines that I'm sure will help you (and by "you" i mean the canine portion of my fan-base) brave this holiday season:

1) The ornaments on the tree are apparently NOT your chew toys (no matter how shiny and round and wonderful they seem).

2) The tree is apparently different from the trees OUT THERE (i.e., no peeing on it, no matter how tall and wonderfully smelly it is).

3) Try to get your vote in early for christmas dinner.  (Obviously prime rib's the best, as it has the best bone, but ham, turkey, or roast beef will do.)

4) Be sure to send off those x-mas lists early, santa has a way of prioritizing the humans.  (I think it's cuz he is one, which is blatant discrimination.)

5) If you don't get the presents you asked for, don't pout.  You'll be just like those spoiled Hollywood ingrates.  Instead, just put on a happy face and pretend you really wanted those mint-flavored tennis balls.  (And try to ignore the fact it's a not-too-subtle commentary on your breath.)

6) Try to get along with the cats.

7) Snuggle in front of the fire.

8) Drink lots of hot carob*.  (Be sure to request extra marshmellows -- humans tend to overlook the details.)

9) Pee in the snow.  (It turns yellow -- COOL!)

10) Avoid getting your picture taken at all costs, or else you'll be forced to live with embarassments such as this:

Well, to show what a holiday-cheery, cat-loving, good boy I am (ya hear that, Santa?), I am dedicating this newsletter to two cats -- Misty and Hailey.  Even though I never got to play with either one of you, I hope you're romping around, having fun, eating a lot of fish, and napping in the sun in a cat-friendly, dog-free, peaceful place. I know you both will be missed dearly.

Just not by me.  (Sorry, Santa, but c'mon I AM a dog, after all.)

Merry Christmas, Happy Hannakuh, Happy Kwanza, and Seasons Greetings,

* Carob's okay for us, but chocolate -- along with poinsettias, holly, and mistletoe -- are, according to my sources, all highly toxic and could be fatal if eaten.  Starfish, on the otherhand, are not.  However, they will give you a nasty bout of "bad poopies," as I have learned from personal experience.  Even if left on the table at dog-level, starfish are NOT cookies.  They are to be used as festive decorations only (or in Christmas catering 'scapes).    ;-)