To All My Eternally Patient and Forgiving Fans,

"August, die she must.  The autumn winds blow chilly and cold. . ."

Sorry 'bout that, but I didn't wanna interrupt the lyrical thread from the last four months.  (To clarify, see the April, May, June, and July newsletters.  By the way, thank you very much, Paul Simon.)  Anyway, this brings up the painfully obvious question:  

Where the bloody hell have I been since March???  

Let's see -- where to begin?  I guess it all started with the March launch of my new line of greeting cards. . .

Having discovered that I possess quite a talent for modeling for greeting cards, I really didn't see the need to keep grinding out these monthly updates.  (And if you think writing these things is easy, you're sadly mistaken, my friend.  Considering the insurmountable size difference in the paw-to-keyboard ratio and the extreme awkwardness that results, the typing alone takes the better part of two weeks.)  Anyway, I didn't think the Talent should have to, well, actually work.  Mom, unfortunately, did not see my logic.

To make a long story short, neither side could come to an agreement, which, coupled with the all-too-frequent "SHE'S figuring MY cut??!?!?  I should be figuring HER cut!" bout, resulted in a four-month strike.  Had Mom not pulled out the big guns with the good ol' "You-Will-Not-Eat-Until-You've-Written-Your-Newsletter" threat, there's a very good chance you would not be reading this still.*

So here I sit, brow furrowed, struggling through yet another type-written newsletter.  Which reminds me:

Oops.  Mom just told me to quit stalling and get to the announcements of the month.  Okay, okay!  (Sheesh.)

Okay, so for Announcement #1:  In case you haven't checked it out yet, my site (www.phineasthedog.com) got a major face-lift, taking off seven eYears (that's just one year to you humans).  But the changes aren't just cosmetic -- there are a bunch of new links, too.

So when you're back at your desk tomorrow (or today, depending on when you get this), searching for a way to pass the time all the while looking like the utterly indispensible worker who I'm certain you are, (and here come Announcements 2-5, MOTHER!) be sure to check out the photo albums in my new "Photography" and "Phriends of Phineas" sections.  And while you're there, have yourself a little fun in the "Phun Stuff" area.  Oh, and don't forget to sign my new "Guest Book."  (If you type something really long, you'll be sure to fool the boss.)

Okay, Mom?  Are we good?  Good.  And now for a couple announcements of my own. . .

August 7th is National Friendship Day.  And since we all know that your best friend in the whole world who you couldn't live without is that furry four-legged sitting by your feet (or waiting for you to get home, depending on when you get this), be sure to celebrate the day and show your non-human friend how much you love them.  Being that subtlety is not our forte, I'd HIGHLY suggest demonstrating said love by showering them with gifts (duck-shaped squeaky toys or chicken-flavored treats preferred).  Wouldn't want your message of friendship to get lost in the translation, right?

Huh?  What's that, you say?  You haven't experienced this invaluable friendship and unconditional love of which I speak?  You have no idea of what I'm talking about cuz you don't have a pet of your own?  Well, lucky for you, August 20th is National Homeless Animals Day, and what better way to celebrate this very important date than adopting a critter of your own!  Check out my "Links" section for some helpful sites on adopting a pet.

In fact, I'm trying to convince Momma Bomma to let me have a pet of my own (to keep me company during all those endless hours she leaves me alone).  I'm thinking of a pig.

What'dya think? Mom thinks he could be a distant cousin, but personally, I don't see the resemblance. Do you?

I think the idea of her rapidly approaching 210th birthday has addled her brain (and eyesight, for that matter).  And on that note, I'm gonna get her to take me for a walk.  (Before she needs a cane to get around the block!)

Again, my most sincere apologies for being MIA for the last four months.  I know I wouldn't be here today without the support of my fans (that's you guys).

Until next month (really!),

* Don't be fooled, Dear Reader.  Like many other folks in the limelight, Phineas (a.k.a., the Talent) used a more palatable excuse for not working (e.g., a four-month strike) to cover up the less savory truth (i.e., a four-month stint in a B.S.A. rehab center to fight his ongoing addiction to Beggin' Strips)!     -- Mom